Hitting a Rough Patch

Lately I've been hitting a bit of a rough patch. I've been trying to keep a "stiff upper lip", "look on the bright side of life", "every cloud has a silver lining", all that jazz. But I just can't do it anymore.

***DISCLAIMER***
Just a warning, this is a depressing blog entry. So if you're here to be entertained, you best stop reading now. I'm probably only going to bring you down too.
***END DISCLAIMER***

I've hit the proverbial wall. I actually think I hit it back in 2002, when I got dumped, dropped out of University, and got a job at the battery factory. Now, of course life went on, and nobody really noticed this wasn't what I was supposed to be doing, myself included. After a couple years at the factory, I was about to quit but instead I found a source of potential happiness.
That ship has come and gone, leaving an emotionally broken and battered ME in it's wake. I just can't do it anymore. On my days off, I wake up and just lay in bed for 3 hours watching television. Well, I'm not actually watching it, I'm more just flipping channels for 3 hours looking for something worthwhile to watch. It isn't until around noon that I actually decide that I've had enough time to mope, and I get out of bed.

"When you're in bed, you're dead" - Morrie Schwartz

I've read Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom three times; twice since '06 began. This book contains a meaningful life lesson that everyone should learn. I've told many a friend that they should read this book, but few people take my recommendation seriously.

"The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to the community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning."

All I have done of this since I graduated from high school 7 years ago, is devote myself to loving others. A co-worker tells me how uncommon it is to find a guy like me who cares so much about other people. TGP's Mom tells me how uncommon it is to find a guy who communicates as well as I do. My Mom tells me how proud she is of me when it's obvious I'm having a tough time of things. She also apologizes to me for making my younger sister and I such caring people, because we always seem to get hurt by the people we should believe in.

The only glimmer of hope that I will defeat this feeling of grey that I've been moving through for the past 4 years comes from my Mom. She has unofficially hired me to help a kid at her after school program. This boy comes from a broken family, (another thing that's been bothering me lately) and purposely hurts the other kids with words and by hitting, just for the attention, that he's apparently not getting at home. It's obvious his mother just doesn't know what to do anymore, and his father is obviously not creating a healthy home environment for this boy. My Mom figures I can make a difference in this boys life by showing him a better sense of right and wrong. But I'm not totally sure I'm the right guy for the job. I barely believe in myself as it is.

I need to quit the battery factory
I need to start believing in myself
I need to start devoting myself to something that gives me purpose and meaning
I need the courage to take the leap
I need someone to push me, I just don't know if I can do it alone
I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get over it already
I need to cry less
I need to feel love again...

Weezer - The Good Life
When I look in the mirror, I can't believe what I see
Tell me, who's that funky dude, staring back at me?
Broken, beaten down can't even get around
Without an old-man cane, I fall and hit the ground
Shivering in the cold, I'm bitter and alone

Excuse the bitchin', I shouldn't complain
I should have no feeling, 'cuz feeling is pain
As everything I need, is denied me
And everything i want, is taken away from me
But who do I got to blame? Nobody but me

…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back…Yeah!

Screw this crap, I've had it! I ain't no Mr. Cool
I'm a pig, I'm a dog, so 'scuse me if I drool
I ain't gonna hurt nobody, ain't gonna 'cause a scene
I just need to admit that I want sugar in my tea
Hear me? Hear me? I want sugar in my tea!

…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back…Yeah!

I want to go back, I want to go back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
And I don't even know how I got off the track
I want to go back…Yeah!

…And I don't wanna be an old man anymore
It's been a year or two since I was out on the floor
Shakin' booty, makin' sweet love all the night
It's time I got back to the Good Life
It's time i got back, it's time i got back
and I don't even know how I got off the track
I wanna go back…Yeah!